SECTION...

SECTION ONE: CHILDHOOD ASPIRATIONS AND PORN
1. YOUR LIFE ASPIRATION AS A CHILD: Film critic...or probably astronaut
2. YOUR VIEWS ON YOUR CHILDHOOD LIFETIME ASPIRATIONS: I'd still do it (film critic, not the space thing), but screenwriting is way cooler
3. COULD YOU SEE THOSE SAME ASPIRATIONS AS A PORN MOVIE? Yeah, but I guess most people wouldn't get off on self-referential porn. Maybe "Sperm in Space" would be better.
4. HOW FAR IS YOUR CURRENT STATION IN LIFE FROM THOSE CHILDHOOD ASPIRATIONS? I study at a film university and bitch about movies in the Internet so I'm almost there, I think
5. WOULD YOU RATHER JUST BE A PORN STAR? If there wasn't my boyfriend and my aging body, yeah, why not?
6. IF YOU WERE IN PORN, WHAT KIND OF PORN WOULD YOU MAKE? Always wanted to write a porn musical
7. WHAT WOULD YOU CALL YOUR PORN MOVIE? Something corny like "Cum Together"
8. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB/CAREER (INCLUDING PORN) WHAT WOULD IT BE? Bitching for money
9. AMATEUR PORN FOR HOME USE, YES OR NO? No thanx, I'm not jacking off to my own stuff
SECTION TWO: WORK AND JESUS
1. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD? I believe in Something
2. WHEN DO YOU CALL ON GOD MORE, DURING SEX OR WHEN FRUSTRATED? When I'm frustrated
3. IF GOD ACTUALLY SHOWED UP WHILE YOU WERE SAYING "OH, GOD" IN BED, WHAT EXACTLY WOULD YOU DO? Write a screenplay about it
4. QUIET. NO ONE'S LOOKING. ACROSS FROM YOU IS YOUR FRIEND THE WANNABE HIPPY, WICCAN, SAVE THE DOLPHINS FROM THE WHALES, BAN BRAS, MOTHER EARTH, CALL ON THE GODDESS SORT OF PERSON. YOU HAVE THIS SINGLE CHANCE TO DO/SAY ANYTHING TO THEM WITHOUT ANYONE KNOWING IT WAS YOU. WHAT DO YOU DO? Write a screenplay about her meeting God while she's having sex
6. WHILE AT WORK, YOUR EXTREMELY RELIGIOUS COWORKER PROCEEDS TO ENGAGE YOU ABOUT YOUR LACK OF RELIGION, WHAT DO YOU DO? I have one like that, she always tells me something about life forces and power fields and energy vampires and happy spirits and all that crap. I usually mock her, she doesn't get it.
7. YOU'VE BEEN LEFT BEHIND AND THE END IS NIGH. PANIC, FIND JESUS, OR PARTY? Guess it's panic-party-tie
8. YOUR FIRST THOUGHTS UPON ARRIVING AT WORK I have to pee
9. YOUR LAST THOUGHTS BEFORE LEAVING WORK Hope I still nget the earlier subway
10. APPROXIMATE TIME YOU START COUNTING HOW LONG UNTIL LUNCH I can keep myself occupied without counting seconds
11. COFFEE AT WORK. YES, NO, OR THE WORLD WILL END WITHOUT IT? Just plain old no
12. YOUR SALARY. UNDERPAID, ADEQUATELY PAID, OR PLEASE GOD LET ME WIN THE LOTTERY? I guess it's fair payment for the work I do but I could use a lot more
13. WOULD YOU MAKE MORE MONEY AT YOUR JOB IF YOU WERE JESUS? No, I'd be dead then (bobby stole my clever first answer)
14. WOULD YOU MAKE MORE MONEY IF YOU SLEPT WITH THE BOSS? Actually, yes
15. IS MAKING MORE MONEY WORTH SLEEPING WITH THE BOSS? I could. We're both the same age and he's also gay, just not my type
SECTION THREE: SPIRITUAL, SEXUAL HODGEPODGE OF LIFE
1. DO YOU HAVE A CAR? Don't even have a driver's license
2. IF SO, DO YOU LOVE YOUR CAR? I would hate it with a fiery passion
3. IF YOU'RE A NAMER OF CARS, WHAT DID YOU NAME IT? I'd name it Nerdmobile or something cool like that
4. HAVE YOU BEEN SEXUAL IN YOUR CAR? I've been sexual in cars, yeah
5. ON YOUR CAR? Not mine but on others, yes
6. WITH YOUR CAR? With people looking like cars, yeah
7. LUBE. YES, NO, OR WHOOHOOOO? Lube's great
8. YOU'VE JUST DIED AND HAVE DISCOVERED THAT IN HEAVEN YOU GET TO CHOOSE TO BE ANY ANIME CHARACTER. WHO DO YOU CHOOSE? Pikachu. Everyone would think of me as cute and I'd have a loving male companion carrying me everywhere
9. YOU'VE JUST DIED AND HAVE DISCOVERED THAT IN HELL YOU SUCK GWB'S COCK. HOW LONG UNTIL YOU REPENT? Two seconds. I'm not the cocksucking slut I once used to be
10. CONSIDER YOUR LOVER/SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT HUMAN. WORTH DYING FOR? I wouldn't die for anyone. Is that unromantic?
11. WORTH SITTING THROUGH A SEASON OF SURVIVOR FOR? I watched Charmed anhd Dawson's Creek with my boyfriend so I guess that's a yes
12. IF THEY'RE WORTH DYING FOR, BUT NOT WATCHING SURVIVOR FOR, WOULD THEY ASSIST YOU IN THE STALKING AND MURDER OF EVERYONE ASSOCIATED WITH THE CREATION OF SURVIVOR? Not if they're as lazy as I am
13. YOU'RE STUCK ON AN ISLAND WITH YOUR LOVER/SPOUSE/BUTT BUDDY AND ONE ITEM. WHAT ITEM IS IT? I also wanted to say lube first but I guess I could use coconut oil for that so I say my Buffy and Angel DVDs - Dennis and I would never leave that island
14. YOUR LOVER HAS BEEN TURNED INTO A CHICKEN. NOW WHAT? Off to see the wizard
15. THE FUCK? CHICKEN? I'd prefer something cuddlier
16. FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION On top
17. FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION WHEN YOU HAVE RUGBURN ON YOUR KNEES Duh. No sex when I'm hurting.
18. FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION WITH A CHICKEN Licking it
19. FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION WITH A RACING CHICKEN THAT'S SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE THE DAMNED FINAL FANTASY BIRDS? Huh? What? I mean...huh?
20. HOW MANY HOURS HAVE YOU PERSONALLY SPENT INVOLVED IN THE BREEDING OF SAID DAMNED FF BIRDS? Damn, your mind's more warped than mine
21. DID IT TURN YOU ON OR JUST MAKE YOU CLINICALLY INSANE? "Make you"? I've always been, I guess
SECTION FOUR: GOD DAMNED STUPID SHIT
1. PICK A COLOR yellow
2. PICK A CONDOM Thank you!
3. PICK A SONG The Blake Babies - Brain Damage
4. PICK A VACATION DESTINATION my hometown
5. CAN YOU ENVISION YOURSELF HAVING SEX WITH THE COLORED CONDOM YOU CHOSE IN THE DESTINATION YOU PICKED WHILE LISTENING TO SAID SONG? I can envision almost anything, my dear
6. NEW LAW DICTATES THAT YOU HAVE TO HAVE A GAI AND SILLY INTERNET CYBERPET OR YOU'LL HAVE YOUR GENITALS REMOVED WITH A RED HOT POKER AND A SPOON. WHAT DO YOU PICK? I don't know what a gai is but it sounds like something I'd already have on free will
7. BIRD OR FISH? Fish
8. THE ABOVE-AS A PET OR AS DINNER? Pet
9. WHAT YOU'RE BEST AT Weirding you out
10. WHAT YOU SUCK AT Writing screenplays about weird people meeting God while they're having sex
11. WHAT YOU REALLY FUCKING SUCK AT Making decisions
OKAY, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I'M DONE.